thepainted_lady: (It's not always that simple)
1. We both had lives before. We all have them, I guess. But for me, it's just that. Before. There's a strict line of demarcation there--my life before, and my life after. Again--I guess we can all say that--before we left our old lives, before we found this home, this family. But that's not it for me, not really. Yes, there was a renewal the moment I stepped through the gates, there was a feeling of coming home, of finding what I'd been looking for. But all of that faded into the background the next morning, because the moment life truly began again for me was the first time you touched my hand.

2. You're the only thing in my life I've ever depended on, and the only person I think I'll ever fully trust. I just wish that was enough.

3. Thank you for coming back for me. I'll make sure you never regret it. However it started, whatever we had to go through, it's all made me certain of one indisputable fact: I love you.

4. I would have given you anything. I did give you everything. There's part of me that still wishes I'd never woken up, because there's a pain that I can't seem to shake that I live with every day. There are days I can't breathe for it. But I'm not that girl anymore. I see you now, with all the blinders off. I may be alive, but you killed something precious that day. Things still hurt, but I'm stronger now, and I don't care what I feel--it's over.

5. I never wanted to let you down or hurt you, but I know I keep doing it again and again. All my best efforts seem to do nothing but backfire, when all I ever wanted was for you to be safe and loved and have a chance at everything I never did. I love you. I would do anything for you. And I hope some day you can forgive me.

6. Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different, but I'm glad you're happy now.

7. You're the most confusing person I've ever met. Normally I know exactly what someone wants from me, but no matter how hard I try, even though I can read you just fine, I can't figure you out. ...It's kind of exciting.

8. I don't think there are enough words to say, "thank you." Everything you've done, you didn't have to. I can't imagine how much we've turned your life upside down and what we've put you through, but I want you to know I'm grateful--to you and for you.

9. Sometimes I don't think it's fair to you, to be trying to build something with me, when I know I'm shattered into so many pieces I still feel them cutting at me all the time. There's so much you don't know, and that scares me. But you make me feel safe, and you make me smile, and you make me feel...hope for the first time in so long I can't remember. I'm terrified of falling for you, but I think it might be too late.

10. I didn't want to like you, but I couldn't help it. I didn't think I could forgive you, but it wasn't really that hard. I never thought I'd love you, but now I can't imagine how I ever couldn't.

Full Meme List

*sighs*

Mar. 19th, 2011 12:19 pm
thepainted_lady: (Always a little apart)
"There is a moment...when you say to yourself 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever.'" ~ Glee

"I want the fairy tale." ~ Pretty Woman

...I need to step away from the pop culture. All it does is depress me.
thepainted_lady: (Downcast)
What have I done
I wish I could run away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is, on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken,
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
That sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right
thepainted_lady: (Lost without you)
"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color." ~ W.S. Merwin

The pressing panic that had caught in her throat the day she had arrived here, ripped away from her family, away from her home, away from everything she'd known was back. She'd gone to work through the week only because at least it was at least something familiar, but as nice as Sarah was, she wasn't family, wasn't someone she could cling to, and Puck had a girlfriend now, and, anyway, she could hardly use him that way. As nice as their night had been, he was a seventeen year old boy, not someone she should find herself depending on. It wasn't fair to him.

The dance had been...lovely, but what she found on waking up the next morning...had not been. Since then, life had been a fog, and no matter how hard she tried to pierce it, she couldn't seem to get through. Just because he'd bid on her, wanted to see her, even just because he was from her world was no reason to rely on Noah Bennet. Back home he had...hunted them. He'd been the enemy for a long time. He was a...friend now, and she wasn't afraid of him anymore, but that didn't mean he wanted to be burdened with her problems. The rest of them were just acquaintances, really.

Samuel was gone.

Edgar hadn't spoken to her since...she'd made a fool of herself.

And now Amanda was gone, too. )
thepainted_lady: ([Samuel] Now hear my confession)
[ooc: Complete list is here.]

Dear Samuel,

This is one of those letters I don't think I'll ever send, which, ironically, would change my answer on the purity test from yesterday. The thing is, though, I don't know that I could stand it if you ever realized how I felt and were...appalled or disgusted or, worse, amused by it. I've never been good at anything real, at knowing how to make things last.

It would all be so much easier if I could just play a part. Be the Painted Lady, the Exotic Temptress for you, lure you in like I do them. But you're not them. You're not anything like them. They touch my skin, think they're possessing me, but I don't remember their names--they just pass right through like wisps of smoke.

You stay, you linger, etched into and under my skin along with your ink. You don't realize it, but I feel every casual touch down to my core. I don't think I could ever be rid of you, no matter how much time or distance came between us.

I'd be yours, if you let me. Am yours, even if you never see how deeply, how much I want you, have always wanted you. All you need to is speak the word I don't think you'll ever say. You look at me, and I feel stripped bare, and, yet...you don't see so much.

Maybe that's for the best. Maybe you never should. Maybe it's better a fantasy, no matter how barren a life of fantasy can become when it never reaches reality. It's dangerous, the things I feel, and I don't think I'd survive the loss of the dream, as well as the hope of one day.

I don't know. Some days, you look at me, and the words tremble on my lips. I wait, and I think, now's the time, this is the moment. Tell him. Move to him. Then the moment passes, and I've stayed frozen in the shell of a life I created for myself.

I don't know what's right anymore. But I love you.

Maybe one day I'll find the courage to let you know.

Lydia
thepainted_lady: ([Edgar] Trust you with my life)
[ooc: The list.]

Dear Edgar,

Sometimes I struggle to find the right words to tell you what you mean to me, how you make me feel. Even now, with pen to paper, knowing I can rewrite this if need be...I find myself hesitating. Some of the words are so easy--best friend, family, love. They're words people use every day, and I think maybe it's their very simpleness that belies what they mean. I know...I know what you feel for me, what you want, and I know you think that I don't love you as much, or that I don't see you, don't feel you.

You're wrong.

I need you, Edgar. I need you the way I need air and water and sunlight. When you're not here, or when things aren't right between us, something inside me breaks, hurts, and you're the only person who can fix it. You think I see you as less than, somehow, or less important than them, but...they come and go, Edgar. You're my constant. You're my northern star. I don't know who I am when you're not around--it's like I'm not me, not fully. You're a part of me.

No one has ever made me feel as safe as you do. No one has ever made me feel as cherished, as special, as loved. You don't look at me and see a piece of flesh to be possessed, but a person to be respected and protected. You believe in me when no one else does, not even me. You make me feel like maybe I can do something, be something more than what I've been before. You're the one I trust with myself, my life, my daughter's life.

And I don't want to lose that. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Because if I lost that...if I lost you...your friendship, your love, your respect, you in my life...I don't know what I'd do. I think I'd lose me.

You're not less than. You're not...unworthy. You're special, more special than you know. I love you. You're my best friend. You're my family. You're my home. You make me strong, complete. I wish I had more than words to make you see...

I'm damaged. I'm broken. You deserve so much better than someone like me. You deserve someone who doesn't need you to hold her together, someone capable of standing up for herself, someone you can build a life with. You deserve the best of everything, not someone who'd just...I would break us, Edgar. Everything that we have...it would disappear and I'd lose you, and I can't bear that. It's selfish, I know, to want you near, to bind you to me in any way when I should just set you free. But what you want...I don't stay away because you're not worthy, Edgar. Please never, ever think that. It's me. I don't deserve you, and I'm a coward--too afraid of what I might lose to risk what I might gain.

I just thought that you should know, at least this once, how much you mean to me, now and always.

Love always,
Lydia
thepainted_lady: (The things I see...)


Contemplation is in Your Big Picture



It's likely that you have a lot to sort out right now, and your mind has already begun the process.
Things seem incredibly complicated at the present moment. You know you need to take a deep breath and slow down.

Whatever you are turning over will work itself out, and you trust yourself to come up with the right answers.
For now, you've pulled over from whatever journey you're on, but you'll be back on the road soon enough.


thepainted_lady: (Dreaming of something better)
Death )

Mile )

Paper )

Wine )

Teeth )

Electricity )

Ink )

Sex )

Heaven )

Kitten )

[ooc note: The more canonical drabbles don't refer to any specific Samuel, Edgar or Sylar. Where [livejournal.com profile] hearts_andminds RP/plot or other 'verse seems indicated, Samuel here is [livejournal.com profile] offering_hope and Edgar is [livejournal.com profile] right_handman.]

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Lydia

October 2011

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