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thepainted_ladySamuel -
I’ve started this a million times, then crossed it out and thrown it away. Trying to put into words what you’ve done, what you did...it doesn’t come, not easily, maybe not at all. Not truly. The words to grasp it, to wrap around it, don’t seem to do it justice. Then, I think, nothing could. It’s something that has to be felt, and I’m not sure you ever could feel it. I know you know what betrayal feels like, and I know you know loss, and disappointment, and what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back, but...
Can you combine them all? Do you have it in you? Did you even realize, ever, what you held in your hands all that time?
I would have given you the world, at a word. My life, my heart, my body, my soul--they were yours for the taking, because I believed in you, believed you were special, believed you could rise above the limitations Joseph put on you, could be the savior you wanted to see yourself as. You wanted to be our Messiah, and I believed you had it in you. I wanted to help you make your dreams come true.
I was foolish enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, those dreams included me. Joseph would never have allowed it, but I thought in taking charge you’d finally claim what had been yours for the taking all along.
Except...you didn’t want me. Not like that. You wanted my gift to further your aims. You wanted my loyalty to keep the others in line. You wanted my body to give to others to bind them to you. But me, for you? You never saw me. You gave me just enough--just enough touches, just enough affection, just enough flares of jealousy in Edgar’s direction to give me just enough hope to keep me bound to your side, but you never loved me. Never wanted me. I was your toy, your tool, and when breaking me served your purposes better than playing with me, you threw me aside with a careless ease, taking the only thing I had left to give.
I loved you. I always loved you. But if Claire hadn’t been there, I’d be buried next to Joseph now, and you would have put me there as surely as you did him. And for what? Because the family looked to me? Because you felt your grip slipping? I didn’t want to be their leader, Samuel. If you would have just listened to reason, turned from vengeance and been a man, taking responsibility...you could have won us back, all of us, without that. I never wanted to take anything from you. I just wanted...you. I wanted a life with you, a home with you.
You killed that. You killed me. And even though I breathe now, and my heart keeps beating, there’s a part of me that no blood in the world could bring back. The world isn’t as colorful. Sometimes I just see it in shades of gray. There are mornings when every breath hurts, and nights when there’s a pain my chest so intense I wish she’d left me where I fell.
I don’t know how to trust anyone again. Some scars won’t ever fade. I hate you for that, for what you did to me. For what you’ve done to me. For what you’re doing to me, even now. You’re there in the shadows, and I can’t get rid of you, and I hate you for that as much as anything.
Because I shouldn’t still think of you. I shouldn’t miss you. I shouldn’t look up when the door opens and expect to see you standing there. I shouldn’t want to see you standing there, with that smile on your lips that says you see right through me in ways you shouldn’t be able to. It’s wrong. It’s fucked up. It’s dysfunctional in the extreme. It’s pathetic. And you’ve done this to me. Worse, I let you do this to me, and it’s cost me everything. You don’t have the right, and I wish I could be free of you, wish that part of me wasn’t always listening for the cadence of your voice in any crowd and that the smell of popcorn, or the turn of dirt under my fingers didn’t bring back the feel of you beside me.
I hate you. I love you. I never want to see you again. I miss you. I wish it were as simple as declaring “You have no power over me” like in some twisted fairytale. Maybe it is. If I say it three times, will I be free?
Or have you destroyed me completely?
"In truth, hope is the most evil of evils, because it prolongs man's torment." ~ Nietzsche
~ Lydia
[Complete List Here.]
I’ve started this a million times, then crossed it out and thrown it away. Trying to put into words what you’ve done, what you did...it doesn’t come, not easily, maybe not at all. Not truly. The words to grasp it, to wrap around it, don’t seem to do it justice. Then, I think, nothing could. It’s something that has to be felt, and I’m not sure you ever could feel it. I know you know what betrayal feels like, and I know you know loss, and disappointment, and what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you back, but...
Can you combine them all? Do you have it in you? Did you even realize, ever, what you held in your hands all that time?
I would have given you the world, at a word. My life, my heart, my body, my soul--they were yours for the taking, because I believed in you, believed you were special, believed you could rise above the limitations Joseph put on you, could be the savior you wanted to see yourself as. You wanted to be our Messiah, and I believed you had it in you. I wanted to help you make your dreams come true.
I was foolish enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, those dreams included me. Joseph would never have allowed it, but I thought in taking charge you’d finally claim what had been yours for the taking all along.
Except...you didn’t want me. Not like that. You wanted my gift to further your aims. You wanted my loyalty to keep the others in line. You wanted my body to give to others to bind them to you. But me, for you? You never saw me. You gave me just enough--just enough touches, just enough affection, just enough flares of jealousy in Edgar’s direction to give me just enough hope to keep me bound to your side, but you never loved me. Never wanted me. I was your toy, your tool, and when breaking me served your purposes better than playing with me, you threw me aside with a careless ease, taking the only thing I had left to give.
I loved you. I always loved you. But if Claire hadn’t been there, I’d be buried next to Joseph now, and you would have put me there as surely as you did him. And for what? Because the family looked to me? Because you felt your grip slipping? I didn’t want to be their leader, Samuel. If you would have just listened to reason, turned from vengeance and been a man, taking responsibility...you could have won us back, all of us, without that. I never wanted to take anything from you. I just wanted...you. I wanted a life with you, a home with you.
You killed that. You killed me. And even though I breathe now, and my heart keeps beating, there’s a part of me that no blood in the world could bring back. The world isn’t as colorful. Sometimes I just see it in shades of gray. There are mornings when every breath hurts, and nights when there’s a pain my chest so intense I wish she’d left me where I fell.
I don’t know how to trust anyone again. Some scars won’t ever fade. I hate you for that, for what you did to me. For what you’ve done to me. For what you’re doing to me, even now. You’re there in the shadows, and I can’t get rid of you, and I hate you for that as much as anything.
Because I shouldn’t still think of you. I shouldn’t miss you. I shouldn’t look up when the door opens and expect to see you standing there. I shouldn’t want to see you standing there, with that smile on your lips that says you see right through me in ways you shouldn’t be able to. It’s wrong. It’s fucked up. It’s dysfunctional in the extreme. It’s pathetic. And you’ve done this to me. Worse, I let you do this to me, and it’s cost me everything. You don’t have the right, and I wish I could be free of you, wish that part of me wasn’t always listening for the cadence of your voice in any crowd and that the smell of popcorn, or the turn of dirt under my fingers didn’t bring back the feel of you beside me.
I hate you. I love you. I never want to see you again. I miss you. I wish it were as simple as declaring “You have no power over me” like in some twisted fairytale. Maybe it is. If I say it three times, will I be free?
Or have you destroyed me completely?
"In truth, hope is the most evil of evils, because it prolongs man's torment." ~ Nietzsche
~ Lydia
[Complete List Here.]
